post 45 Sven in DC
 |
Another
SOTU, another SOTY party. I kinda miss Santorum at these things. Nobody brings the funk like that guy. |
post
44
Sven in Florida
I recently went back to Florida to talk to Katherine
Harris about her presidential
bid.
We talked about the issues, then not about the issues and finally about sticking
to the issues.
post
43
Sven in DC
I
don't only hang out at the Hay-Adams trying to pick up drunk Republican interns,
I also do actual work.
For instance, last week I went to a conference to improve my reporting skills.
You know, looking ahead, improving, growing bladi bla bla
It was boring, but luckily I found some dudes I recognized, Sagdiyev from
KTV and Cameron from FOX News. Man, those guys can party.
post
42
Sven in DC
I had this really weird dream last night. Michelle
was dancing but then Phyllis Schlafly showed up and asked me if Malkin made
me horny and if I would buy books written by her and Ann.
It was really creepy, cause she forgot Laura.
post
41
Sven in Florida
I wanted some comments from Katherine Harris
about her primary win. Went to Florida (man, it's hot) cause she didn't wanna
come to DC. You know, "not a beltway kinda person".
She told me her husband is named SVEN Anders Axel and as you can see from
the picture, I'm writing down that interesting information.
post
40
Sven in NY
Traveled to NYC to talk to Ann Coulter. We met
at an Manhattan lounge to sip drinks and talk about the east coast elitists
and their vain ways.
Poor Ann was in pain after her recent surgery, please pray for her wellbeing.
post
39
Sven on the way back to DC
"...and then Anderson
said this color looks really good on me. I was like - THIS color - and he
was like - THAT color"
post
38
Sven in the Middle East
Since
I wasn't allowed to talk to anyone from Lebanon and all the good spots in
Haifa were taken, I headed out to a field to get some "country side footage".
Hopefully an artillery shell or a rocket will strike nearby, giving me material
for days.
Sadly the field was full of other reporters who were in the same situation,
leaving me trapped inbetween straying cable news correspondents and the Israeli
Army.
post
37
Sven on his way to the Middle East
I'm
heading to the Middle East. Of course I had to be seated next to some douche
who just kept going on about how great Anderson Cooper is. "Anderson
also wears his jacket like this" and "Anderson looks so good
in that haircut".
Dammit!
post
36
Sven in DC
I
was invited to join Accuracy In Media in their "Stop the Times, save
the US"-campaign. It sounded like a great idea, plus they promised a
free lunch.
Sadly no one showed up. But I'm still gonna collect that free lunch from the
Heritage Foundation's cafeteria.
post
35
Sven in DC
I
got invited to join a very special club. The AMSMBCFMITM, that's "Anti-MainStream
Media Boys Club For Morality In The Media" for all you outsiders.
I was really shaky heading over to my first meeting. It was to be held in
the chairman's (Bill) mom's basement. Luckily the guys welcomed me with open
arms. Dick had brought along a friend and Rush greeted me with his.... friend.
I was right at home.
post
34
Sven in DC
For
the last couple of years, I've been really worried about Ann Coulter. She
seems so angry all the time and since she's all about abstinence only, I'm
not even sure she knows how to "blow off some steam".
So I thought it might be a good idea to introduce her to Kirk Cameron's friend
"the banana goes in the hole-guy".
I hope he can help her out, cause her routine is getting kinda old, fast.
post
33
Sven is back in DC
Back in DC, the first thing I saw was a late
night infomercial for a product I just had to have.
Went to Virginia Beach to get a first hand experience of the Robertson 2000.
Man, the Church of Scientology really gives you super powers!
post
32
Sven in DC
Since it's to dangerous to go out on the streets
of DC and my Hay-Adams penthouse suite no longer has running water, I'm packing
down my kevlar west and heading back to Stockholm for about a week.
I'm bringing some stuff with me that I don't think I can do without back home.
ROOT
BEER BARRELS Only in American can you take a sugary drink, add more sugar
and then turn it into a candy.
I love it!!
iPOD-STUFF Colorful carrying cases and huge headphones hide the fact that
you're listening to U2 (perfect)
GASOLINE Really, really cheap over here
IKEA'S BOOKSHELF BILLY You get it in a flat package and have to put it together
for yourself, only in America people.
post
31
Sven in DC
Check out the latest polls*.
You
think George W. Bush is?
Good 39%
Bad 60%
Don't know 1%
You
think Dick Cheney is?
Good 1%
Bad
90%
Don't know 9%
If
getting the chance, you'll take?
The one million dollars 5%
The secret box 76%
Don't know 19%
Which
country is the United
States worst enemy?
Syriana 18%
France 76%
Other 6%
Which
country will win
the World Cup of Soccer?
Brazil 8%
USA, USA, USA 89%
Other 3%
* When polling I didn't take into consideration the person polled's party affiliation, age, gender or occupation. Since I was handing out my questionnaires for free, chances are most of the people polled were illegal immigrants.
post
30
Sven in DC
Over the
last couple of weeks I've taken some heat for only reporting the bad things
that goes on in the US. That I haven't left the Hay-Adams penthouse suite
and gone out on the streets to find out what the people of DC think of what's
going down in the capital.
Well, to all you haters I can only say.
F**k off!!
How would you like if every time you left your hotel you'd get shot at and
that you can't report what's actually going on without the risk of being sent
to Uzbekistan
(again).
I'm staying in my suite.
post
29
Sven in (***)
After
getting the US treatment for a couple of weeks in Uzbekistan
I was finally rescued by some organisation that works to bring demoracy to
the former eastern block.
They dropped me off at the nearest KFC and now I'm on my way back to DC.
post
28
Sven in (***)
Dammit!! Forgot that Disney doesn't like it when you talk about any of their products. "Narnia" just costed me a trip to Uzbekistan or whatever.
post
27
Sven in California
After
hearing nothing but "the Oscars is liberal Hollywoods way to award
itself", I was suprised to find out (during one of my many award
winning inner journalistic journeys) that very few movies nominated at the
Oscars were actually made within the "Hollywood system" (except
Narnia).
I sensed that the whole thing was a conservative set up.
So I headed over to the red carpet to warn people.
post
26 Sven
in California
I
wanted to watch the olympic hockey final on TV.
Sadly I had to settle for figure skating re-runs, which is crap since I'm
neither gay or American.
My guess however is that Sweden will win 3-2, and that's just me guessing...
in advance.
post
25 Sven
in California
I wanted
a comment on why the MPAA, who rates movies, is only made up of republicans.
So I stood outside a gate, cause that's what people do when they want an interview.
Sadly no one came out of the house.
post
24 Sven
in California
I arrived
at the airport and things got ugly immediately. Man, I shouldn't have worn
the baseball cap cause they thought I was Michael Moore. It was a bunch of
republican Hollywood folks who surrounded me: Mel, Bruce, Denzel, K-Fed and
wife, the Simpsons, Arnold and even young Clint popped up.
Thank god George showed up when he did.
post
23 Sven
in California
I'm heading
out to California, or as we say in Sweden "Kalifornien", to check
out the political climate.
post
22
I
wanted to get some comments on Britney Humes interview with Dick Cheney, but
the only ones I got a hold of over at FOX News were their weatherman and sportscaster.
Whatta hell do they know?
Man, those are some big heads.
post
21
I traveled
to the deep forest of Virginia to get a comment on the Dick Cheney Show from
someone who knows hunting.
He wished to be anonymous, for his own safety, but here's the transcript from
our conversation.
Sven:
In your mind, was Dick drunk?
(as you can see, I've been working on my Hannity)
Mr X: Sssh, be vevy vevy quiet.
S: Oh, okey. I'll keep it down... Do you think we wouldn't have known about
this whole thing if the VP would have had his way?
Mr
X: Theve's something scvewy avound heve.
S: Oh, there sure is. Can you talk about your experience with guns and alcohol?
Mr X: It took a while, but I finally got even with that scvewy wabbit.
S: Okey?? Maybe this wasn't such a great idea. Take care and maybe we'll meet
during duck season.
Mr X: You'll nevev take me alive.
S:
(...) dammit
So it
has come to this. I finally lost a journalistic battle. That's what you get
from asking people who have no idea what they're talking about.
I guess I worked on my Hannity to hard.
| Showed
up to talk to Pat Robertson about his Europe is commiting "racial
suicide" comment. Sadly he just wanted to talk about Islam, which
in Europe is a religion (??). Maybe next time. |
 |
| Here's the transcript from my exclusive interview with fellow swede Mike Holmgren right after the Seahawks Superbowl lose. |  |
Sven:
Bra kaempat Mike, synd att det inte raeckte hela vaegen.
Mike: What?
S: Hoppas att ni kan komma tillbaka efter foerlusten, ni gjorde trots
allt en bra saesong.
(pause)
M: What??
S: Tror du att ni kommer kunna klara det tryck som blir till naesta
aer?
M: Can someone get this (...) out of here?
S: Trevligt att traeffa dig Mike och lycka till naesta aor.
M: (...) stupid
foreign press
post
18
I met
up with quarterback Joe Mantegna so he could explain how american football
works. Just so I don't look like an idiot at my Superbowl party.
What I got out of it was that americans eat buffalo wings and drink some sort
of water drink called Budweiser and complain about "flags" (??).
I also now know that the winner of the Superbowl will go on to play in the
Megabowl where they'll meet the winner of the Überbowl, which is the
old europeanbowl, and the winner there will be crowned "world champion".
|
I left the SOTU afterparty last, well there was one guy left. He seemed happy talking to himself so I tucked him in on the floor and left. |
post
16
When the
SOTU ended I went to the afterparty.
Man, these guys sure know how to party (like it's 1899 and then some).
Condi was so wasted, wandering around the room, grabbing my ass every chance
she got. Santorum didn't read the invitation and brought a date (silly Santorum).
Frist was a bit of a downer though. He just complained about the music and
wanted them to play his mixed tape. That whole renewable energy thing made
Dick lock himself in the bathroom (I could hear sobbing). And George?
Well, George was on fire until the we brought out Chuck. Then he did a 180
and got pissed. Appearently he wanted to meet "the King".
I can't wait until next year!!
- Sven
post
15
After
Bill Frist said that he will amend the constitution to "save marriage",
I went to get a comment from Frists (former?) buddy multi-divorcee Newt Gingricht.
Even though I flashed the secret sign to show I came in peace, Newt refused
to comment on Frists plans to save marriage, which to my knowledge includes
a stop of all divorces and also a ban on gay marriage.
I sense a fight within the Republican party is brewing. This between the 55%
that have divorced and the 45% that haven't. More to come on this subject...
- Sven
post
14
On
my way home from Davos. Preparing for the SOTU. That's what we correspondents
call the State of the Union.
- Sven
post
13
I'm at
my second outing since arriving in DC, this time I'm at the World Economic
Forum in Davos. A lot of yappin' not enough clappin' going on.
Who cares that Andrea Merkel is the new Thatcher, Seoul is the new Stockholm
and that Angelina Jolie thinks it's embarrassing that the US (and Somalia)
hasn't signed the UN Childrens Rights legislation (we get it, you wanna execute
kids, fine, old news), but how about the really important stuff? How did I
do?
Sweet Indian chick in the hotel bar - check
Russert: 1
Sven: 4
 |
Yesterday
I met Jeb Bush at the airport (heading for Davos, no rest for me). He
just got back from Palestine where he was the "last outpost"
in trying to get Abbas re-elected. Even though he failed he was really, really happy. What's up with these Bushies? - Sven |
post
11
I'm finally
back from my worst trip ever . One Sandra Bullock movie and an Oxygen Network
Dennis Miller Special. Yes France sucks, I got it the first 300 times.
- Sven
post
10
It seems
that I'm going on a trip. Since I'm not a US citizen and the words Stephen
and Baldwin triggers the NSA's wiretapping equipment I'm in a bit of a
pickle.
I'll check back with you in a couple of days.
- Sven
post
9
The american
press is outraged over George Clooneys speech at the Golden Globes. Apparently
he insulted the Clintons so bad that he made twelve year old Chelsea cry.
However some people are organizing to help Chelsea at www.abramoffsdadsoutreachproject.org
- Sven
post
8
I trained
her well, she
got Bush off his game.
Man, I'm kicking ass in this town!!
- Sven
post
7.2
After
catching up with Russert on scoops this week, I spent the evening celebrating
with Baileys.
Later on I stumbled into the press club and partied with some sweet ladies.
It's all a bit foggy but I think I scored with both.
Russert: 1
Sven: 3
post
7
After
seeing Tim Russerts interview with Barack Obama, where he asked about Harry
Belafonte, I was in in shock. Russert was trying to outdo me and there's no
way I'm letting that happen.
So I immediately called senator Thad Cochran to schedule an interview about
Stephen Baldwins new anti-porn crusade.
Russert: 1
Sven: 1
post
6
After the latest video release from Osama bin Laden the US Homeland Security
office have raised the national threat level to Orange.
.....no, wait. The paper I'm reading is from November 2004. It seems that
the national threat level has not been changed. Sorry about that.
Remind me to talk to the Hay-Adams management before I leave.
- Sven
post
5
The professor
explains where my theory goes wrong and two haters (who for all our safety
shall remain nameless)
Yesterday
I went to the Focus
on the Family research center* to get
some reassuring words as to my theory of "two haters in one place
implodes the universe".
The professor I met explained that there is no chance of the universe imploding
because of anything we humans do, but he promised to have a look at my notes
on the matter.
Just to be on the safe side he told me not to go public with my findings since
it might push the haters to actually meet, this according to the "throwing
a penny from the top of the Empire State Building"-theory.
- Sven
* After some
more fact finding it turns out that Focus on the Family actually doesn't have
a research center.
Then who the hell did I meet??
post
4
For a
while I was a bit lost over here, but I found this map. Hopefully I will never
lose my way again.
- Sven
post
3
Preparing
myself for the job at hand by getting to know the city. There're some really
old stuff here, like several decades old.
- Sven
post
2
Just arrived. God bless the Hay-Adams minibar!!
Now I'm just gonna check out the translation of "hora",
then I'm off to Dupont Circle.
- Sven
post
1
I spent my last day before heading over to the states practicing on
my press conference ability.
What were they talking about?
Eehm, lets say.... college radio.
- Sven
